Are you often shaking your head no whilst confused at why you’re saying yes?
‘”Do you like salmon?” Steve texted. I froze, holding the phone in my hand, not sure how to answer. The simple answer was no, I don’t like salmon but I didn’t think I could tell Steve that’. This article shows just how much people pleasing can change the dialogue: Little Fish Story by Laurie Wagner
When people’s actions don’t match their words. They say one thing yet do another, that’s cognitive dissonance. When you work for people like this you are always second guessing them. They flatter you and make you feel like the bees knees when you know you’ll be replaced in a heart beat. They can make you feel like their favourite, to then ignore you before you’ve even turned your back. If people do this now i’m like ‘back off – I don’t trust you’. I thought it was to do with ethics. It was actually to do with patterns of behaviour. Ones which I’d accepted as normal, and safe. But to give with one hand and take with another is negotiation. “You look pretty…pretty ugly” may be some backhanded compliment to some but then you’re waiting for a put down after any compliment. Either that or you’ll put yourself down before they can! “Oh this old thing” is quite the deflection technique, to which the retort is often, just take the compliment.
My biggest doubt would come when someone changes their mind so quickly that you don’t trust what they’re saying, or they answer a question before waiting for your answer. Being in someone else’s drama was easy for me. It can be confused with love. Love was determined by how adaptable I was. I was called a chameleon and became what I can only recognise now, as a people pleaser.
As someone drawn to helping others I felt the need to be needed. Assisting people with pain felt good. It satisfied my people pleasing. So I became a therapist. But I didn’t realise I had no boundaries. I would feel guilty if I couldn’t accommodate someone. Overthink how my responses may have come across.
But you have no boundaries when;
- it’s never just about you because you put others first
- you’re flattered into thinking it’s a better option as you’re deemed difficult if you say otherwise
- keeping the peace with a difficult person is quite often an easier option
But we’ve all been faced with other people’s choices that may not have sat well with us. It can feel so wrong in your body that you can’t quite believe the other person can’t see how you feel. Often these friendships or relationships come to a head when you no longer feel aligned. They can be confusing and if you’ve been fed on guilt your whole life, can make you feel quite discombobulated.
When Hailey Magee says; ‘Everybody’s standards and bottom lines are different because we are all different; we all come with different baggage, love languages, sensitivities and needs’, really resonated with me in this article: How to trust your instincts as you outgrow relationships by Hailey Magee
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